29 things i’ve learned in 29 years of being alive
A selfie from one of my favorite events of this year!
Birthday Lessons!!
It’s Virgo Season, my birthday season, and each year I observe the occasion by writing a list of things I’ve learned in the last year. I do one lesson for each year of life, plus one to grow on (anyone else do an extra candle on their cake in the same tradition?). I’ve been doing this since my early 20’s, and the resulting record is a very interesting dig through what I’ve gone through and what I’ve learned from it. Some of the birthday lists are full of happier lessons, lots of musings on love and friendship and hope. Others are more bleak, cynical, clearly the darker years politically and personally alike. Without fail, each year when I sit down to write my list, I struggle at first to think of a single thing I learned in the last year. My mind goes blank of every experience I’ve had and I can only recall moments that amounted to nothing in the grand scheme of time. But eventually, over the course of days (or more honestly and realistically, weeks), the reflection becomes less murky. I’m always able to come up with a full list by the end. There is a lot to learn from a year alive. Sure, some lessons are painful, and I wish nobody had to learn them, but I always come out of this exercise feeling grateful for all the wisdom regardless of how it was acquired. I truly feel it is a gift to grow older, especially as a Queer person. When I was younger, I couldn’t picture myself older than maybe 21-25. I was never able to visualize myself as a middle aged or older person. I lived my life with the sneaking suspicion that I may never get to experience those chapters lurking in the background. Now, having passed the point I thought I’d never reach and looking down the road to my 30’s (next year!), I am glad to have been wrong.
This year was a big one for me personally and professionally. I started working for myself and my wife’s businesses full-time. I moved to a major city, one I’ve been dreaming of living in for over a decade. I’ve gotten cool tattoos, traveled across the country, shared my work with so many people, released new things, made stuff I never thought I’d make…I’m very grateful. It’s such a privilege to be able to do this work, to live this life, and I do not take it for granted. I hope you enjoy the lessons I learned from this last year. I like to think of myself five, ten years ago reading them and maybe learning from them, but more likely thinking “we’ll just see about that.” Whichever end of the reaction spectrum you’re on, these lessons are for you, too.
29 Things I’ve Learned in 29 Years of Being Alive
It’s better to stop what you’re doing and reassess when you’re feeling overwhelmed than it is to push through and try to keep going through the fog. There is almost nothing that cannot be paused.
People are not thinking of you, and if they are, it’s weird and it’s on them. Don’t preemptively act as though people are judging you. Just do your thing and let the judges do theirs.
Out in the world, nobody knows why you’re doing stuff or who authorized you to do it. Act like you belong and you will! (also, wear hi-vis vests and/or carry a clipboard for added invisibility).
Get the tattoo! See the show! Have a little treat! Life is so short and you never know when you’ll be able to do that thing again. Don’t delay life’s pleasures for a future that may not be promised.
Western/American medicine is for-profit, not for-health! It’s important to take care of yourself and your community outside of what the government may recommend, look into the science of things, look into traditional ways of healing, and learn self-advocacy skills when you have to navigate medical contexts. This is especially true if you’re anything other than a cis/het/white/able-bodied/man.
Do the thing scared- the things you’re afraid of are usually the things most worth doing, and you can’t wait for the day that you’re no longer afraid. The things you are telling yourself “I could never have that, I could never live that way” are the things you should go for, and that you absolutely could have.
Do things for free first and for yourself always. The long/hard way is usually the worthwhile way. Don’t outsource your imagination and don’t short yourself the journey of learning something new from scratch.
Don’t idolize anyone! Celebrities are people, people are human, and humans are flawed!! You will only ever be disappointed to find your idols imperfect!
Don’t listen to any Sunk Cost Fallacies. It is always better to walk away from something that is no longer serving you- even if you’ve already spent a lot of time and energy on it. “The time will pass anyway,” do you want it to pass there?
It’s not worth it to hold onto grudges, especially against people who will never take accountability for their actions or try to make things right.
There is nothing wrong with eating the same foods all the time, or listening to the same music, or rewearing the same clothes, or watching the same shows, or just generally doing anything that makes you feel better in your day to day life. Make the accommodations for yourself that you need to survive.
It turns out, there are way more red flags you should look out for in workplaces than you previously thought. For example, if your job sees three untimely deaths of current or former employees in two years, you may want to reconsider working there.
Some circumstances notwithstanding, you generally have the power to change your own life and habits. It’s not easy, but you can change the things about yourself that you don’t like.
It’s wise to leave a little space at first. Give things & people & places a second or third try before passing any real judgement. First impressions often cannot actually be trusted.
Something being popular doesn’t automatically make it Bad or Good- you should just consume a wide variety of things and decide what you feel about them for yourself without guilt or shame.
You have more options and open doors in your life than you may think you do- just keep an open mind and don’t be afraid to say yes to things. Don’t hold yourself back from possibility.
Buy in bulk!!!!!!! It really does save you money in the long run!
Give your money away if you have it and if you can!! Tip people more than 20%, buy from small businesses, leave your change around, give to your neighbors.
Do your due diligence and research before you endorse anyone or work with them. Don’t just put your name on the first person who comes along with a nice offer. Also, if an offer seems TOO nice, it probably is.
OWN YOUR OWN WORK whenever possible. Keep the rights to your ideas, your stories, your name. Don’t sell yourself out, and don’t give anyone a cut of your name or work- especially in perpetuity.
You should eat breakfast, if you can. Sometimes it’s hard to eat anything, but even a protein shake is better than an empty stomach for starting your day. And no- weed and coffee are not a suitable breakfast.
Some of the best days are the ones you spend alone, surrounded by others or not. Don’t be afraid of being by yourself. Nobody is judging you for eating alone at a restaurant. Nobody notices you browsing alone in the store. Don’t hold yourself back from having experiences until you meet other people- go have experiences and then meet your people there.
Access to affordable public transit and walkable/bikeable infrastructure is a huge, huge boost for mental health.
The poems are already out there, it’s just your job to seek them out and arrange them for the world in a way that makes sense.
Unconditional love is real, and possible, and you find it in others when you start giving it to yourself.
Always keep a record- for the inevitable tax audits, the future grad students, your maybe-progeny, the someday-archeologists scraping your gender off your decaying hip bones.
“Why are you keeping a diary?” “To keep secrets from my computer.” Return to physical media. Don’t let your every move be tracked. Listen to music without knowing you’ll see it on an algorithm’s report at the end of the year. Get somewhere without using Google Maps. Keep secrets from the computer.
Don’t endlessly give yourself to people who don’t even give you anything in return. Pour into yourself, and the people who pour into you, too.
“There’s just no future left for us to dream of/living in an era of instability” Let go of the world you thought you’d grow up into. It doesn’t exist any more. Try your best now to build a new one. Fight for it. Fight for your neighbors, your community, your planet, the children, the old folks, the people being taken, the people still yet to come.
(One to grow on!) FOR ME- It was better to be a lesbian than a man. “Transition,” labels, and identity are an increasingly complicated thing for an anti-binary person in an only-binary world.
